Deviation Actions
Literature Text
Hagrid kept shouting at us to come back to Hogwarts.
"WTF Hagrid?" I shouted angrily. "F*ck off you f*cking bastard." Well anyway Willow came. Hagrid went away angrily. [You mean he trailed with suffocating smoke.]
"Hey bitch [Yeah, bitch?] you look kawaii." she said. [Ewwww. I need antibacterial soap to get that off!]
"Yeah, but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly because Willow's really pretty and everything. [Sarah Jessica Parker is still prettier.]
She was wearing a short black corset-thingy [It’s a corset with a dick?] with blood red lace on it and a black blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black pointy boots that showed off how pale she was. [What, no white foundation?] She had a really nice body with big boobs [size melon] and everything. She was thin enough to be anorexic. [Anorexia is not a good thing. Period.]
"So are you going to the concert with Draco?" she asked. [Another concert? *Facepalm*]
"Yeah." I said happily.
"I'm goi ng with Diabolo." she answered happily.
Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. They were both looking extremely hot and sexy and you could tell they thought we were hot to. [Peyronie’s!]
[If you have read this far without looking up Peyronie’s disease, I’ll explain. It means their dicks are bent. Some sufferers have them bent upwards. And now it’s time to read more painful bullshit.]
Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. [And I wear a green shirt with nothing on it.] He was wearing tons off makeup just like Marilyn Manson. Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from the Warped Tower. B'loody Mary was going to the concert with Dracola. [Sounds like a shitty drink, why not a glass of STFU?] Dracola used to be called Neville but it turned out that he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. [Minus 700 points for distasteful and overused character retcon.]
They died in a car crash [That’s not how vampires are killed!]. Neville converted to Satanism and he went goth. [You don’t have to be Satanist to be goth. Many goth people are trying to kill this stereotype and this is just setting back their efforts.]
He was in Slytherin now. He was wearing a black Warped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair with red streaks in it. We call him Dracula now.
Well anyway we all went to Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit because we're goffik) that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crack [How edgy, not!]. Draco and I made out. We made fun of those stupid f*cking preps. [No, they don’t make fun of you.]
We soon got there…I gasped. [Need an inhaler? Call a doctor.]
Gerard was the sexiest guy ever! He looked even sexier then he did in his pics. [Didn’t you say that before? Who let you into the T.A.R.D.I.S.?]
He had long raven black hair and piercing blue eyes. He was really skinny and he had an amazing ethnic voice. [You mean he’s anorexic? Again, that’s not a good thing.]
We moshed to "Helena" and some other songs.
Suddenly Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the other members. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man with no nose and red eyes. Everyone ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. [Fool you once, shame on you. Fool you twice, I laugh in your face!]
It was…Voldemort and the Death Dealers! [As if we didn’t remember it the first time!]
"You moronic idiots!" [He’s got a point.] he shouted angstily. "Ebony, I told you to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now…I shall kill thou and Draco!" [Someone rolleth in his grave yet again.]
"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife. [And I took out a stake that smells like steak.]
Suddenly a gothic old man flew in on his broomstick [and sprayed happy dust on everyone]. He had long black hair and a long black bread. He was wearing a black robe that said 'Avril Lavigne' [She’s not a real punk, LOL.] on the back. He shot a spell and Voldemort ran away. It was…Dumbledore!
PS The other reason Dumbledore swore is because he trying to be goffik so there! [You’re all trying too hard to be gothic.]
I woke up the next day in my coffin. I walked out of it [If you walk out of coffins, I swim up staircases.] and put on some black eyeliner, black eyeshadow, blood-red lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly [Which contained a fetus who’d come to learn of his parents and commit suicide later on]. I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it.
(The night before Draco and I went back to the skull (geddit skull because I'm goffik and I like death [Great, another stereotype]). Dumbledore chased Voldemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. [It’s the brush, damnit!]
There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom [DYNAMITE! Hell yeah!]. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what [No, I don’t know what and I don’t think we want to know!] to a Linkin Park song.)
Well anyway I went down to the Great Hall. There all the walls were painted black and the tables were black too. But you could see that there was pink paint underneath the black paint. [What. The. Hell.]
And there were posters of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys. [Poseurs? Those guys don’t even try to be goth.]
"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Charlotte t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic black dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. [Your friends are whores too? Great, now you can have group sex with “hawt guys”.] Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. [They jizzed everywhere?] We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in because they were bi. [Everyone in this fic is bi, perverted and lacking common sense and courtesy except for Dumbledore, it seems.]
"Those guys are so f*cking hot." Neville was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. [Why’d he jizz on you guys?] He was the same one who had chassed away Voldemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died [Hair is dead, actually.] his hair black.
"…Dumbledore!" we all gasped. [They were rushed to the hospital for severe lung cancer and died. The End.]
"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Voldemort!" [It’s not THAT scary.]
"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As you can see I gave the room a makeover. What do you think about it?" [It looks stupid to me, but you were asking a bunch of stupid and poorly portrayed characters so my opinion doesn’t count. XD]
Everyone from the poser table in Gryffindor started to cheer. While we goths just looked at each other all disgusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was! [“Bawww! Everyone who is smarter and not Satanist goths are poseur preps! BAWWWW!”]
"BTW you can call me [MAYBE!] Albert." He called as we left to our classes.
"What a f*cking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we went to Transfiguration. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. [Meanwhile, other couples actually develop feelings for each other in times of crisis because they were charmed by their significant other’s personality. Still a better love story than this or the dreaded sparkle vampire books.]
I could see him crying blood [Cry a river and jump in it already, guys!] in a gothic way (geddit, way like Gerard) but I didn't say anything. [Good, because you say stupid shit.]
"I bet he's having a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted.
I was so f*cking angry [Because having hormonal imbalances is cool and being a bitch to people for no reason is awesome. NOT!]
From now on I'm going to delete you're mean reviews! BTW Ebony is a pureblood so there! [Vampire and witch isn’t pureblood.]
Fangz to raven for the help! [Quoth the raven: “This is a bad fanfic and you should feel bad. Nobody cares about your dumb sweater. CAWW!”]
All day we sat angrily thinking about Dumbledore [Why blame the old guy for your problems just because he redecorated the room?]. We were so f*cking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too; the MCR concert. It had been postponed, so we could all go. [Makes no sense to me.]
Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive. [He’s going to dump you later on, and it’ll be your fault for being such a bitch to him.]
I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (aren't sensitive bi guys so hot?
[“I HATE YOU, EBONY! WE’RE THROUGH!”]
"No one f*cking understands me!" [Typical teen problems.] he shouted angrily as his black hair [So his hair is suddenly black now with no explanation. It must be MAGIC!] went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit, instead of tie 'cause I'm goffik [No, you try too hard to make a comedian out of yourself.]) I was wearing a black leather low cut top with chains all over it and a black leather mini, black high heeled boots and a cross belly thing [You got a bellybutton boner?]. My hair was all up in a messy really high bun like Amy Lee in Going Under. (email me if you wanna see the pic) [I feel so bad for Amy Lee right now.]
"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled. [Excuuuuuse me, princess, but this is not some contest nor a courtroom. Kindly shut your porthole.]
"Buy-but-but-" he grunted.
"You f*cking bastard!" I moaned. [They’re having sex again, or fingering each other.]
"No! Wait! It's not what it f*cking looks like!" he shouted. [What did it look like? What the hell are you talking about? You make even less sense than cartoon physics.]
But it was too late. I knew what I heard. [What did you hear? The ugly sound of you having sex with your sensitive bi guy?] I ran to the bathroom angrily, crying. Draco banged on the door. I wept and wept as my bloody eyeliner [Cross my heart hope to fly, stick a knife in my eye.] streamed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my face like Benji in the video for "Girls and Bois" (raven that is soo our video!). I took out a cigarette and started to smoke pot. [Haha, keep doing that!]
Suddenly Hagrid came. He had appearated. [Must. Resist. Spelling. Nazi. Impulses!]
"You gave me a f*cking shock!" I shouted angrily dropping my pot. "WTF do you think you're doing in the girl's room?" [Okay, I’m going to be serious for a while here. I hate how this fanfiction has polarized the sexes. The men are pervs and women are sex objects. As someone who is friends with people of both genders, I’m irked by this stereotypical and flat presentation.]
Only it wasn't just Hagrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it to be Tom Riddle or maybe Draco but it was Dumbledore. [You do know Tom Riddle and Voldemort are--- okay never mind, figure it out the hard way! 
]
"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wannabe-goffik purse. "What are you wearing to the concert?"
"You know who MCR are!" I gasped. [Must. Resist. Grammar. Nazi. Impulses!]
"No, I just saw there was a concert that a lot of goths and punks were going to." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for you. [He has been going out with a prep since he met you.]"
All day I wondered what the surprise was [He was cheating on you with a tranny.]. Meanwhile, I put on a black leather mini, a black corset with purple lace stuff all over it, and a black gothic compact boots. [Combat boots are cooler.]
MCR was going to do the concert again, since Voldemort had taken over the last one. [Seriously, why didn’t they have security?] I slit my wrists while I moshed to MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited [There are people who cut themselves because they have problems, and this is belittling them. Way to go.] Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on some black clothes and moshing to "Thank you for the Venom".
I got all mad and turned it off, but secretly I hoped inside that it was Draco so we could do it again. [He won’t, he’s fapping to Frank n’ Furter pics right now.]
"What the f*cking h*ll are you doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Lupin! "Are you gonna come rape me or what?" I yelled. [Wow, you’re callous. Not to mention guys are not allowed in the girl’s dorm.]
I was allowed to say that because Dumbledore had told us all to be careful around him and Snape since he was a pedo. [Because all men are pedos and pervs and ephebophiles to you.]
"No, actshelly (geddit, h*ll) can I please borrow some condoms." he growled angrily. [That’s a sketchy question, why not get them from a health clinic or some place? If Ebony has condoms, why doesn’t she use them when having sex with her beaten down “boyfriend”?]
"Yah, so you can f*ck your six-year-old girlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarcastically.
[“No, there’s a hot zombie waiting for me to rock her world.”]
"F*cker." He said, going away. [Pun intended?]
Well anyway, I put on some black eyeshadow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation [YAWN.]. Then I went. Then I gasped …Snake and Loopin were in the middle of the empty hall, doing it [Why in the hall? Are they asking to be caught? And what is Solid Snake doing here?], and Dobby was watching! [Dobby! Stop fapping and report the incident!]
"Oh my god you ludicrous idiot!" they both shouted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying [Because you killed his boner!]. They got up, though. Normally I wood have been turned on (I love seeing guys do it [I never bothered to ask this until now, but how old are you Tara?]) but both of them were f*cking preps. (btw snake is moved to griffindor now)
"WTF is that why you wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (see, I spelled that) [That’s not very sadist, actually.]
"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin shouted angrily. [GET A ROOM!]
"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed. [I find this Family Guy reference hilarious, even though the show isn’t.]
"You dimwit!." Snake began to shout angrily. And then…I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. You could see that they were naked and everything.
"Well excuse me!" [Excuuuuuse me, princess!] they both shouted angrily. "What was that all about?" [What do you think?]
"It was to blackmail you." I snarked. "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you can't f*cking rat me out or I'll show this to Dumbledork. [That’s mean.]
So f*ck off, u bastards!" I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound [You can throw those? That’s right, screw logic and common sense and physics, she’s a Mary Sue!] at them and they tripped over it. [That’s interesting to watch, I bet.]
Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely f*cking hot. [Like a porker in heat.]
"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him. [I don’t recall that being a word. Must resist grammar nazi impulses!]
"Oh he's being a f*cking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." [It’s hard to ejaculate when you’ve got Peyronie’s.] Vampire said shaking his held. "You wanna cum with me? To the concert?" [I’ll stay home and fap by myself thank you very much!]
Then…. he showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. He said his dogfather Serious black [Does that mean Vampire is part werewolf?] had given it to him. The license plate on the front said MCR666 on it. The one on the back said 'ENOBY' on it. [Because “Ebony” was taken.]
…I gasped.
We flew to the concert hall. MCR was there, playing.
Vampire and I began to make out, moshing to the music. I gasped, looking at the band. [Then there was an asthma attack, and with no medic within 300 miles radius.]
I almost had an o***** [Because orgasm is more dirty than the word “fuck” apparently.]
Gerard was so f*cking hot! He began to sing 'Helena' and his sexy beautiful voice began to fill the hall and then, I heard some crying. I turned and saw Draco, crying in a corner. [He ran out of porn to fap to and got bitch slapped for fapping in public to The Cure’s music videos.]
BTW Transylvania rocks hard! I even got to go to the castle where Dracula was filmed! [Transylvania isn’t even within the—oh why bother explain. *Facepalm*]
Later we all went in the skull. [Geddit, cuz she’s trying too hard to be goffik!]
Draco was crying in the common room. "Draco are you okay?" I asked in a gothic voice. [How does that work? Does it sound like a horny snake with an apple or--?]
"No I'm not you f*cking bitch!" he shouted angrily [Obviously!]. He started to run out of the place in a suicidal way [How does that work? Did he have a noose around his neck or a delicious steak?] I started to cry because I was afraid he would commit suicide. [Oh NOW you begin to give an actual fuck about him, but my spidey senses tell me you actually aren’t.]
"It's ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortingly. "I'll make him feel better [by giving him the world’s best blowjob]."
"You mean you'll go f*ck him don't you!" I shouted angrily. Then I ran to get Draco. Vampire came too.
"Draco please come !" he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. [Because you embarrassed the fuck out of him, he wears a bucket on his head.]
I was so turned on because I love sensitive bi guys. (if you're a homophone then f*ck of!) [I’m not a phone that produces sounds that sound alike. Don’t worry, I’m something much worse. Heheheheheh.]
And then…we heard some footsteps! Vampire got out his black invincibility coke. [AMAZING! It’s a fizzy drink brought to you by the invisible pink unicorn! Only she can create objects that are invisible yet have a distinct color.]
We both got under it [and got wet with sticky sugar water]. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.
"WHO'S THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come. [Dirt can walk in this fucked up world.] He went under the invisibility cloak and started to meow loudly.
[I should’ve made some Chuck Norris jokes, but I figure I’d let the situation speak for itself. Besides, Chuck Norris jokes are very old. Oh wait, read on!]
"IS ANYONE THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris. [He roundhouse-kicked them into space where aliens caught and probed them.]
"No f*ck you, you preppy little poser son of a f*cking bich!" [They just gave themselves away. DUMB.] Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way. [Because it’s sweaty underneath a boob.]
"EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME WHO SAID THAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. Then he heard Filch meow. "Filth is there anyone under the cloak!" he asked. Filth nodded [Okay then.]. And then…Vampire frenched me [Yup, you’re a slut.]! He did it just as…Mr. Norris was taking off the cloak! [Finally!]
"WHAT THE-" he yelled but it was too late 'cause now we were running away from him. And then we saw Draco crying and bursting into tears and slitting his wrists outside of the school.
"Draco!" I cried. "Are you okay?" [What do you think, dumbass?]
"I guess though." [GEEZ, he’s not okay. Nobody would be okay if they were in an abusive relationship and cut themselves. Draco would have to be made of steel to not feel bad, and this fanfic made it clear he has issues.] Draco wept. We went back to our coffins frenching each other.
Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (see, isn't that depressing?) on the gothic red bed together. [I thought you said coffin? Is it one that transforms?]
As I was about to put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. [Boogieman is trying to possess you.] There was a knock on the door and Fug and the Mystery of Magic walked into the school! [Ministry, you mean. Unless the Scooby Doo gang has taken over.]
All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. [And now it belongs to that character from Ruby Gloom.]
Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing black lacy leather pajamas. [GROSS!]
Then I gasped. [We all get it, you’re surprised so easily that you get an asthma attack.]
Standing in front of me were... B'loody Mary [Sue], Vampire [Hairy Putter], Diabolo [Run Weasle], Draco [Poor Puppy], Dracula [the invisible drink] and Willow [Who?]!
I opened my crimson eyes. [How’d they turn from blue to red? I don’t think leaving color contacts in overnight is a good idea.]
Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wore a black poofy skirt with lace on it and black gothic boots that were attached to the top.
Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. [I don’t think Simple Plan counts as gothic.]
Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and black jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just like Gerard Way, and almost as f*cking sexy. [HEY EVERYBODY! YOU GOTTA LOOK LIKE A CELEBRITY TO BE HOT!] Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her cleavage with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. [Oh really?]
Darkness (who is Jenny) was there too. [Ginny Weasle!]
She was wearing a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle. [Huh? What do they have to do with this?]
It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. [Everyone’s a vampire! Thanks to distasteful character retcon!]
He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. [Which one? Oh, you’re talking about the dad. Whoops!]
He had raped them and stuff before too. [Do not use rape if you’re just going to trivialize it in such a distasteful manner. Some kids are raped by their parents, but I doubt you know that.]
They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism. [And now they live for themselves, because pleasure is the highest good in Satanism]
"OMFG" I yelled as I jumped up. "Why the f*ck are u all here?" [Group sex time!] "Enoby something is really f*cked up." Draco said. [Like your relationship, for starters.]
"OK but I need to put my f*cking clothes on first." I shouted angrily. [They saw you wearing leather lingerie.]
"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. You're so f*cking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice. [Ew. Ebony’s lucky this guy didn’t leave her, and she’s gonna treat him like crap throughout this fic.]
"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why you're being all erective." [They took Viagra. Want some?]
"I will I will." he said.
So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. Then I came. [You look really horrible.]
We all went outside the Great Hall and looked in from a window. A f*cking prep called Britney from Gryffindor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. [That was unnecessary, it only proves you’re bitches.] Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. [And I thought “Ganonpork” was funny enough.]
Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too.
"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!" [Due to sexual harassment, poor student behavior, and ephebophiles not being locked up.] "THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge. [You know something’s totally wrong with people when a dog has more common sense than them. Please continue.]
"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. [LOL.]
"YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! [I thought Alzheimer’s was only dangerous to those suffering it? Time to do some research!]
YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"
[“Well, yelling at me won’t solve it!”]
"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "But we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. [Isn’t it Harry Potter—err, Vampire’s job?] And her name is…Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way." [Oh, she’s demented all right. That name suits her well—her first name is misspelled again.]
Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other…I gasped [Oh, as if that was a surprise for you.]
[Good news is that you’ve reached the halfway point of this bad fanfiction. The next half will be done soon. Don’t forget to bring some bleach!]
That's about halfway. Congrats to everyone who survived.
