I'll do multiple chapters at a time. This is a blind review/commentary on Blood Raining Night by ~Reicheru-Ketsueki. Before we get started, I'd like to mention I wish no harm towards this user. I only intend to humor people. And no, Eris is not helping me on this one. Reading "My Immortal" made her quit. This features chapters 1-3. My commentary is in italics and square brackets.
Chapter One - The First Rainy Night
The sky was blue out. Reicheru had just opened her golden eyes to the morning like she has for the past 17 years of her life. She grogily rubbed her hands on her eyelids and rolled over. She was staring Denmark in the face or as she calls him "Denny."
[So, I'm guessing this is a Hetalia fanfiction where the OC is paired with a canon character? Or maybe that creepy socially awkward kid from "The Room" tagged along!]
"Denny-Kuuuun," she spoke softly like floating butterflies on the breeze "good morning. I've missed you in my sleep."
[Aren't people unaware of this kind of stuff while they sleep? I guess the OC is a very lucid sleeper.]
"I've missed you too." He took his hand and ran it down to the tip of her soft furry ear. Her ear twitched with delight! "I get worried about you sometimes, though."
"Really?" Her golden eyes lit up like a light in a lamp on a dark night.
[I'm not against using extended similies to describe stuff, but I'm already kinda bothered with how all the descriptives are used for the OC and not the other characters. Let's see where this goes!]
"Yes of course!! You work for the Yakuza, how else am I suppose to feel?" [What?]
Her eyes gazed downward like as if trying to see something on the floor, [Redundancy!] "it's good to know there's actually someone who cares about my existence."
"I love you with all my heart, Rei-kun."
"Nya~! You do, I know you do. I love you, Denny-Kun." Reicheru purred. They kissed passionately like a woman and man that haven't seen each other for forty years but have loved each other all that time. She wanted to drink his blood, really really bad. But, she couldn't, for if she were to suck the life juices out of him, it would turn him into a demon-vampire. Of course, she would never let anything bad happen to him. He was the love of her life, and her only love.
[You could've just said they felt like they haven't seen each other in decades. Not to mention some people could get so offended about the "man and woman" scenario. I doubt anyone would say they're offended unless they're trolling, though.]
Reicheru dressed in her outfit she wore to the Yakuza and got ready for work. She wore a white school-girls outfit that had long sleeves, a red ribbon around her neck, red trimming that went on her sleeves, a red skirt, her brown hair tied up in a red ribbon –red as blood, and a big gun. Her long brown hair with blue highlights in the middle swayed in the breeze so beautifully, she could almost kill someone with her looks.Her lipswere really red, but she didn't need lipstick.She expected she would have a tough assignment today.
[English already seems a bit tough for the writer. I may be a "heartless" grammar nazi and communist vulture, but I feel like being nice to this person today. *Ahem* The paragraph already reminds me of "My Immortal", let's hope there aren't as many unnecessary paragraphs describing what the protagonist OC is wearing.]
Reicheru was out, prowling in the woods when she heard a certain cackling! It was a witch!!
[And she was boiling kids in her candy house!]
"OOhhh," the witch said in a nasty voice, like you're eating something slimy, " I see there's a girl out to get me, and she thinks she's prettier than me, eh?"
"Well," Reicheru smiled, "you are old and ugly, and I'm assigned to kill you. This will be the last time you fight me! Nya~on!" Reicheru ran toward the hag, her breasts delecately bouncing in the wind. The witch took out a staff and tried to smite her, but fell short when Reicheru suddenly disappeared and re-appeared behind her. "I told you not to mess with me!" She said slitting the witche's throat open. She put her lips to the wrinkly neck and sucked on it, really really hard. The blood came pouring into her mouth like a waterfall of gore and violence.
[It is gore and violence. You could've just stuck with the waterfall simile. Simplicity is good, no need to go over the top. Also, why do you need a gun if you can handle things fine?]
She was going home after having killed the witch when she heard an unusual noise coming from the bushes.
He said, "I've come back for you."
[A stalker comes out of nowhere! YIKES!!]
Reicheru was astonished "father?!" she yelped. "You're supposed to be dead, why did you come back? Why did you have to come back." Tears of pain and darkness rolled down her eyes as her worst nightmare stepped towards her.
"I'm undefeatable, bitch. You had your chance years and years ago, but you failed. Now I'm back to get you."
"You don't want to fight me, father!" She drew out her long, bloody sword and looked at him in a cruel way.
["Cruel way"? What's that supposed to look like? You could've said she gave him the evil eye or her face scrunched up.]
"I haven't come to kill you right now, but some day. Beware." With that, he threw a smoke bomb at her and disappeared.
Inuyasha is owned and created by Rumiki Takahashi.
[What the fuck? I hadn't a clue this was a fanfiction on that. You gave credit to the writer at least. Good job.]
Chapter Two - Tears of Rain
Reicheru got home, it took a while for the impact of her father comming back to soke in. She was hot red with anger and sadness. She decided to train in the garden with her teacher Inuyasha. He wasn't full cat demon like Reicheru, he was also part dog demon. They both had fangs and sharp animal-like eyes. And in those eyes were a hint of love for Rei.
[*Soak. You could say she has mixed feelings churning. And since when is Inuyasha a cat demon? According to wikipedia, he's half human and half dog demon.]
"Rei-Chan," he said, "I've been waiting a long time for you. How did the battle go?"
"My dead father...he is back!" Her face collapsed in her hands and she nearly cried.
"How can he be back? He's dead!"
"NO! He's BACK! I don't know what to do. Maybe I can get our master of the Yakuza to kill him." She had a tear roll down the side of her sad cheeks. Her and Inuyasha both work for the Yazuka and she thought he might be able to frame her dad.
[Oh, I get it now. This OC's sad background is that her father wants her dead for some reason.]
"I don't know if that'd be allowed..." His ears twitched.
"Then I will have to kill him myself..." Her eyes turned red with madness, like blood on fire.
[Again, over the top description is used only for the OC. I know blood is a tissue, but it's also a liquid. Last time I checked, blood isn't flammable since it's mostly water. You'd have to be drunk off your butt to have flammable blood.]
Inuyasha didn't want her to get hurt, he was worried. He couldn't tell her, though. Because he didn't want her to know his feelings for him.
[You mean his feelings for her. Unless Inu's a metrosexual!]
"Please," he said, "dont' go! He'll KILL you!"
She looked at him bravely, "I'll be fine."
That night she went home. Denmark was sitting on the couch next to the fire. He was reading a book very intensely. "I see you're home, Rei-kun."
"Yeah, I'm home, Denny-kun. Nyaa" She sighed.
"I saw you talking to Inuyasha. I think you should get a different tutor, like Kagome or Germany. They're both so good with wars and fighting!"
[You could just say they're good at fighting. Quite frankly, I've never read a Hetalia-Inuyasha crossover.]
"Why, are you jealous? You don't have to be, I swear. I'd never cheat on you, I love you."
Their eyes told each other that something was wrong, but they both ignored it. They decided to just go to bed instead of saying anything. The cuddled together- and did some other stuff- then they fell asleep. And as they slept, her dad was watching.
[You don't have to shy away from mentioning they had sex. Come to think of it, I don't understand this pairing. Is there any legit reason why they love each other? I hope it's explained in the later chapters.]
Chapter Three - The Rain Falls
She woke up all alone in a room she'd never seen before. It was pitch black and maniacal laugher could be heard from a distance. [OH NOES! She was kidnapped by Plebeians!]
She could taste blood in her mouth; and she liked it. Her cat demon must have came out and attacked someone, she was scared and alone.
"Denny-Kun," she called out, "where are you? Are you here? Nya?"
["I'm cheating on you with a prisoner!"]
She walked out of the room and down a long, narrow hallway. A feeling of guilt and cowardness overcame her. What had just happened? Did she really eat somebody? These were things she didn't want to think about. Her main focus was on finding a way out.
"I have captured you, Rei. There is no escape."
"Who are you?" She was angry. "Are you my father?"
"No..." said the voice mysteriously, "I am Sesshomaru. Inuyasha's brother. The vampire lord."
Reicheru gasped in terror. Sesshomaru had died- she could have sworn that he died! It was a long, long time ago. Inuyasha had gotten in a fight with Sesshomaru over the death of their mother and Inuyasha had stabbed him in the heart. That moment, he died and tumbled off the cliff into the abyss of the ocean. The only way he could come back is if he was a vampire, who had been bitten by someone. But who?
[Edward Cullen did it, unfortunately. Haha, just joking!]
"Reicheru," he said, "I don't know why you protected my brother," his firey eyes flashed, "but you can't stand between me and him anymore. I must kill him. I have to kill him- for the sake of our mother!"
"He LOVED your mother! He couldn't help what happened! He was only a baby, why are you holding onto a grudge that you don't need to?"
"She always loved him. Father didn't care about me...he just didn't care. That doesn't matter! Anyway, it's time for you to be rid of!"
Then, out of nowhere, Inuyasha and Kagome flew out of the shadows and picked Reicheru up.
"Hey," she shouted, "I can take care of myself! I don't need you to help me."
"Yes, you do," Inuyasha looked at her, "I'm here to protect you..."
Her cheeks turned red and as she looked away she saw Kagome try to slash Sesshomaru in half.
"Damn," Kagome screamed, "he's too hard to defeat! What should I do?" Her skirt flew in the air.
[You mean it came off? I see London, I see France, I see fanboys jerking off to that in their underpants!]
Inuyasha joined the battle and all three of them went at it like rabbid dogs. Blood sprayed the room crimson. Reicheru licked the wall like a hungry devil, slurping up the mixture of their blood. Sesshomaru threw his arm out and slammed Kagome against the wall, knocking her out. He flew away with her into the night, and they weren't seen after that.
[*Rabid. Rabbids are nasty little rabbits, rabid means foaming at the mouth and encephalitis.]
"Oh my god, Kagome!!" Inuyasha cried into the night. He howled in sorrow and remorse.
[Redundant language again.]
"It's okay Inu-Sama," Reicheru comforted him, "I'm sure she'll be fine."
"No, Rei, you don't understand. He is a lord of vampires- she's one of them now." He gently put his hand up to his teary eyes.
Their golden eyes met, "one of them? Like a vampire?"
Reicheru and Inuyasha went back to the village. Denmark was standing by himself at the market, eating a Danish. Reicheru departed from Inuyasha, wishing him luck, and then going to Denmark.
"Things aren't looking good, Denny-Kun." She sighed and fell into his arms.
[Ughh, that smooshy language. It hurts.]
"I missed you, so much, baby. I'm glad to see you back in one piece. When I woke up and found you gone, I was scared. I thought that your dad had gotten to you."
"No, no." Her eyes sparkled as she looked up at him. "We have bigger problems on our hands, now. Sesshomaru the Vampire Lord is black. He wants to kill me for protecting Inuyasha."
"I don't want to protecting him," his golden hair blew in the wind, "I love you, Rei-Kun, but you spend too much time with your tutor. Please, I beg of you, forget about Inuyasha and Sesshomaru, find someone new to teach you how to fight. Infact, I know the perfect tutor."
[The grammatically correct phrase is "I don't want to protect him."]